Whoever said relationship milestones are moments like the first kiss and first sleepover are filthy liars.
Those milestones are natural moments when you’re hitting it off with someone, however the only real relationship milestones that matter are those that there are no cute little signs for.
Who cares about the first kiss, when really it’s all about the first kiss when you had the smelliest breath ever.
No one cares about when you first left a toothbrush at their place, but instead let’s discuss the first time you talked about your poo habits.
1. First kiss – without prep
We all love a good first magical kiss, involving low lighting, being swept off your feet and thanks to Disney, we’d love a few singing animals and fairies.
But that’s boring, and really not an actual relationship moment. What is an actual relationship moment is that first kiss, post a packet of cheese and onion crips, and no funny faces being pulled after.
Nothing like finding someone attractive after they’ve vomited over your slippers after one too many sambuca shots on a Friday night.
3. Deleting online dating profiles
You may go for Nandos twice a week, and share a toothbrush but it’s not official until you delete every single dating app you have. Ah, modern romance.
4. Meme tagging
Whacking on Facebook that you’re in a relationship with someone is soooo 2008. The only way to be social media official is to tag them in the most inappropriate memes. At 4am on a Wednesday morning of course.
5. Exercising together
Seeing each other leaving bum sweat patches on the bikes at the gym is more important than seeing each other naked. Fact.
6. Texting their parents
And by texting not just a quick hello, or a last minute question on what their favourite childhood friend was called because you’re prepping for a quiz.
But an actual conversation about stuff like Great British Bake Off and how to unclog your bathroom drain.
7. Brutal honesty
If you can’t be honest with the person you love, then who can you be honest with?
Honesty about things like they need to shower twice a day, and that their feet are hideously ugly. You know, the real important stuff.
8. Discussing toilet habits
Not habits like how many times a day do you pee, but the really important stuff about pooing and farting. Bonus points when you take a wee for the first time when they are in the bathroom.
9. Grooming each other
By grooming we don’t mean passionately touching one another on the night tube. Nope we’re thinking more like get a tweezer and a torch and let’s tackle those ingrowing hairs on the back of your legs.
10. Sharing passwords
Not passwords for stuff that doesn’t matter like your iPhone. But for the real good stuff like Netflix and Amazon Prime. This is where the real action goes down.
11. First trip away
A proper trip, and not one that involves a trip to Gloucester to visit their ‘legend’ of a mate from uni. But an actual unsupervised trip abroad involving an airport.
Even better if there are zero arguments.
12. Adding family on Facebook
And not automatically putting them on the strictest of privacy settings. But letting them see your tagged photos from uni.
13. Developing code words
Which obviously consists of tiny grunts, eye winks and a few emojis.
14. Emergency contact status
Because you spend so much time with them, it just makes sense to put them as your emergency contact. Move over mum and dad.
15. No offence, ever
Even if you throw up on their favourite teddy, or they tell you that your special yorkshire puddings taste like clay there is never any offence taken.
Why? Because you love each other and you’re in a real grown up relationship. Duh.