Pinterest is usually a place to go if you want to find inspiration for shelves that look easy but ultimately ruin your relationship with your significant other because you royally fucked up what you thought would be an easy task. What starts as “shit, I could make that this weekend, it’ll be easy” often ends in “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! THAT EPOXY WAS FLAMMABLE AS SHIT AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS GOING UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE!”
Sammy Sosa, however, don’t play no DIY shelving projects… He just play basebol.
A mysterious source approached me in a Baskin Robins parking lot late last night under the cover of darkness.
“You Cappuccino?” He asked me from beneath his fedora.
“Look if I turn around and you have your dick out, we’re gonna have a serious problem,” I replied. (On these mean streets, this kind of thing happens a lot.)
“I got somethin’ for ya,” said the talking ash tray.
As I turned around, I was surprised to find that this mysterious man didn’t want to show me his mysterious penis, but rather… his cell phone. I grabbed the phone and saw that he had changed his phone text to comic sans. I immediately judged him. Who the hell does that? Then, I noticed a picture that kind of looked like Eddie Munster sitting on a couch, and my eyes lit up… I was looking at Sammy Sosa’s Pinterest page, a bizarre fiberoptic anomaly that’s one-part online dating profile and one-part shrine to Sammy’s glory days, all meticulously curated by the legend himself.
As I browsed through the slugger’s page, which is largely comprised of photos of himself in various forms of business-casual chillaxation, I must not have noticed that the mysterious man had disappeared. So here’s to you, mysterious coated man in a Baskin Robins parking lot… Thanks for opening my eyes.