Oh, hello. Feeling like you need to spice up your sex life (but not that much)? Considering the ever popular move of having sex outside of your comfort zone, meaning the bed?
Ah, you’re thinking about having shower sex. Fair enough.
You clearly haven’t done it before, and have no idea of all the horrors it brings.
Shower sex is a load of sh*t.
It’s dangerous, uncomfortable, and deeply unsexy – no matter what people on TV tell you. Here’s why.
1. Shower sex is a lie sold to us by rom coms and TV shows
We all think it’s the perfect way to spice things up and get sexy. It isn’t.
2. There’s no slow, sensual undressing.
Unless you fancy drenching your clothes, you’ll need to be fully naked before you can get it on, which means awkward undressing next to a bathtub.
Where’s the slow, sensual build-up? What’s the point of fancy underwear? What’s the point of anything?
3. It’s impossible to find the perfect water temperature
If you find someone who likes their water the exact same temperature you do, marry them.
4. And getting hot and steamy is not smart, safety-wise
Sorry to be a killjoy, but this is how you end up fainting mid-sex.
5. You’re haunted by the constant fear that you could slip and break a hip
This is a legitimate concern and someone should have brought out a line of sex-specific non-slip shower mats by now.
6. There’s no such thing as a comfortable, functional shower sex position
If I put my leg up on the side of the tub and balance, you can stand slightly to the left and thrust. Nope. The tap’s impaling me.
7. Within a few seconds, everyone involved looks like a drowned rat
My hair is flattened to my head and I have soap in my eyes. But it’s sexy, so sexy.
8. The shower curtain can’t support a person’s weight, which is asking for disaster
We need somewhere to lean. You know, for that push-back and support.
Options: flimsy shower curtain, grimy tiled wall, or moving shower door. This isn’t going to work.
9. Strangely, the water makes you the opposite of wet down there
Did you know that water makes terrible lube? Weird.
10. Your legs hurt and you’d quite like to lie down
Why stand when you can lie down? We’ve evolved for this. We made chairs and beds. Let’s use them.
11. Water will inevitably go up your nose and in your eyes
But I’m still so sexy! So sexy.
12. And at some point, you’ll definitely notice a lot of mildew, grime, and hair on the shower tiles
13. The toilet tends to be in close proximity
Sexy to some, not to most.
14. Doing the sexy hand slamming against steamy misted glass thing is massively anticlimactic
This is the only reason anyone actually tries sex and it’s total sh*t.
15. No one really enjoys shower sex any more than they’d enjoy sex on the floor or in a bed
But we can’t give up, because giving up would be admitting defeat. Defeat meaning failure to be a sexy, sexy shower sex person.
16. You will try to move to the bathroom floor, and then you will realise it’s grim
I really should clean my bathroom more often.
17. Switching positions is a load of faff
There’s quite clearly not enough room in here for two people. Plus we have to stick to some variation of standing up and not falling down. Which is very, very difficult.
18. Oral sex in the shower is awful
Oh, hey, you know what would make giving head great fun? A hard, slippery surface to rest your knees on, and water pummeling your face as you try not to drown or choke. Enjoy.
19. If you live with housemates, you’re on constant high alert for someone suddenly needing the bathroom
The sound of the water blocks out the door announcing their arrival.
You suddenly have a time limit for your sexual times. You have to schedule your shower sex for a time when no one is home and in need of shower or toilet time.
It’s all very unsettling and not the chilled, laidback atmosphere I like to create when I’m getting it on.
20. And if you don’t, there’s always the looming fear of the Psycho shower scene
A legitimate worry, I think you’ll agree.
21. Oh, and you’re filled with a slight sense of dread about the environmental repercussions
We’re using so much water and I feel bad about it.
22. You don’t actually get to clean yourself
I’ve tried actually shampooing before the sex gets underway. You know, for productivity reasons. It’s really uncomfortable and weird.
23. And so after shower sex, you have to kick out your partner and take a proper shower
No adorable post-sex snuggling for you, buddy.