If you live in Birmingham then you’ve already won in the coolness stakes, because let’s be honest, it’s a pretty amazing place to be.
Not only is it the UK’s second city, it’s also full of a ton of independent bars and restaurants.
The city is a great artsy place as well, with the likes of author JRR Tolkien and Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne being inspired by it.
And then there’s the largest German Christmas market outside of Germany, so that’s obviously always a bonus.
1. Accent ridicule
Brummies have lost count of the number of times they have told someone (and this someone is always not from Birmingham) where they are from, only to be met with a bellowing ‘Burrrmiiinnggghum!’.
It’s not Bur-ming-hum, said in a very false and offensive accent; it is in fact Birmingham.
And there is nothing wrong with our accents, thank you very much. Bugger off.
2. City centre confusion
All you know is, there was something to do with a tram, which then led to a lot of roadworks, and now you have no idea where to catch the bus from.
But it’s a great excuse anytime you are running late to be ambiguous and blame it on those pesky roadworks.
3. McDonald’s on the ramp
Other cities have their own iconic meeting points; you know those informal beacons that everyone deviate towards to meet their friends, parents or even a date.
For Birmingham it is the Maccies on the ramp. You spent many a rainy Saturday afternoon there, loitering around and hoping your friends would show up before everyone had mobile phones. Even now, it’s the only proper place to meet someone.
4. Oasis market was your teenage haven
Ah, those rebellious teenage years. Those years filled with spending all of your money on fingerless gloves, piercings and eccentric jewellery at Oasis market.
Was there any better place to indulge your teenage emo/goth/grunge phase in? No, of course not.
5. Followed by Pigeon Park
Is it even formally called Pigeon Park? All you know is that you spent many weekends here, desperately trying to master a skateboard, drinking cheap cider and being a bit of a nuisance.
You now pretend to colleagues to disapprove of the teenagers loitering there now, but secretly you are proud to see the tradition being carried on.
6. TV heroes galore
There is no shortage of TV heroes who have hailed from Brum, and you mention at least once a week to people from other cities that Ozzy, Cat Deeley and Frank Skinner are Brummies too.
To really impress people, you mention the little nugget that everyone’s favourite 90s show Gladiators was filmed in Birmingham, and once you saw Wolf on the bus and you stared him right in the eyes.
7. LOTR connection
All Brummies have made it their lifelong mission to tell anyone not from Birmingham that JRR Tolkien was inspired by Moseley Bog when writing Lord Of The Rings.
8. Bullring = nightmare
It’s an absolute shopping horror, and it seems that those who visit it during the hours of 2pm to 5pm are tourists.
What local person would actually want to spend five minutes queuing to use an escalator?
9. Only locals can call it Brum
Sorry strangers, you aren’t allowed to call it Brum. It’s Birmingham to you folks.
10. You’ve never been to Cadbury World
You’ve met people from all over the UK who tell you about how much fun they had at Cadbury World, despite eating so much chocolate that they almost barfed, and they assume you must always be in there filling your boots.
And then comes the awkward moment when you break the news that you haven’t actually ever been. This is usually met with a gasp of shock, and you hang your head in shame.
11. Christmas market is a struggle
Yes, it all seems great fun, and, yes, you have a little countdown going on for when it’s due to arrive, but within 12 minutes of being there you are over it.
You are over the crowds, the noise and you tell anyone who listens about your theory they are shortening the sizes of the hot dogs every year.
12. No idea about the North/South divide
Being from Birmingham means being from the middle and, therefore, you never really got involved or understood the politics of the North/South divide that everyone else bangs on about.
The only time you ever did get involved was when your accent was unfairly dragged into it and then you weren’t too pleased.
13. The bull
You mock the tourists who pose for photos with it, but, deep down, you know it’s not really a night out unless you have a photo with the bull at 2am.
Or try to climb it and almost get a police caution.
14. Everyone loves Snobs
It’s an all-round crowd pleaser and, no matter what your age is, you’re never above going to Snobs and dancing around on the sticky dancefloor.
15. The number 11 is a black hole
Approach at your own risk, because that route is so long.
Rumour has it that if you get on board, you aren’t seen for several hours and you come back speaking Spanish. That’s how far it goes.