Remember before Facebook existed when you had less than 20 friends and had absolutely no idea what your childhood sweetheart was up to now?
How on earth did we ever make it through the day without knowing what Jackie from work is making for dinner or whether or not your brother-in-law is at the gym?
It seems to me that Facebook has turned us into a nation of nosy parkers and egotists who behave in a way we never would in real life.
Here are a few things we never did pre-social media:
1. Took pictures of our dinner
Or, if we did we certainly wouldn’t send it to everyone we know in the entire world. It would cost a fortune in text messaging!
2. Openly ‘liked’ every. Single. Thing.
We didn’t feel the need for people to confirm they ‘liked’ what we were saying all the time and vice versa.
‘You’re off to the gym? Oh I like that.’ ‘You love cheese’? Oh I really like that’.
3. Tell everyone the minutiae of your daily life
Before Facebook came along, how often did you call up a friend to tell them you were ‘eating a homemade chocolate cookie nom, nom’ or that you ‘just went to the shop for toilet roll’?
Oh, that’s right NEVER.
4. Be openly racist
Yes, I am looking at you, Britain First people.
Whereas once upon a time blatant small-minded prejudice was (mostly) reserved for a few grumpy old timers at the back of the pub – these outdated views are now broadcast to the masses on a daily basis.
I miss the days when if you wanted to take a picture of yourself and your mates you all piled into a photo booth – or if you were lucky someone had a Polaroid.
And back then ‘sharing them’ meant pinning them up on your (actual) wall.
6. Took photographs of your feet
If you are ‘relaxing in the sun’ or ‘having a wonderful holiday’ then show us a picture of the bloody seaside for god’s sake not your tanned ankles and flip flopped feet.
7. Comment on somebody’s opinion before you have actually heard it
People who comment on an article you have shared without actually having read it are, quite frankly, idiots.
8. Tell everyone you know where you are at all times
‘Hi Bob’s sister-in-law Jane I met at the pub once – just a quick call to let you know I am at the Bull’s Head Pub. Got to go, still got 368 friends to call. Bye.’
9. Stalk your exes (unless you are an actual stalker)
Before Facebook you used to imagine that your ex from school who dumped you for Laura with the big boobs from the year above ended up fat and ugly and single or possibly in prison.
But thanks to Facebook we no longer live in ignorant bliss. A quick search soon reveals that he is not only EVEN MORE gorgeous, but happily married to Laura with the big boobs from the year above.
Damn you, Facebook.
10. Make friends with people you would never be friends with in real life
WHO? Denise from accounts? I have spoken to her once. ONCE!
My mother in law? What is she doing on Facebook?
But you accept their requests anyway because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
11. Unashamedly show off
At least before Facebook people had the decency to be a bit less obvious about showing off.
Perhaps they’d leave a packet of exotic holidays snaps open on their desk at work or slip into a conversation that they have lost a few pounds.
But on social media, boasters have no shame!
‘Husband bought me a Tiffany bracelet! I am such a lucky lady!’
‘Look at me looking hot in a (heavily Valencia filtered picture) of me on a tropical beach in my teeny tiny bikini.’
‘It is so hot here in the Maldives. In fact, I will take a screen shot of the weather forecast on my phone and post it here for you lot in rainy England to see.’